My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
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Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Please do it!
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.