If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months