I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
The game has officially changed 😎
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
best first i’ve ever seen
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.