I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I don’t think my car can fly
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
“Huge”.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.