Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me, in DM rooms…
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)