My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
The cashier just checked me out.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.