My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it