Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
You Might Also Like
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’m having an out of money experience.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
much to think about
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
necessity is the mother of invention
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.