If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
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Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Beauty and the Beast
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Safety first
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Me buying fruit and veg
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.