*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
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Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”