If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
You Might Also Like
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*