Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?