The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile