“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Monday?
No. Next question.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭