There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
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If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool