Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
that wasn’t the question
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born