I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”