my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
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When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.