waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
sugar glider wrangler
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’