Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
You Might Also Like
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.