If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running