falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.