my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.