*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
You Might Also Like
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Skills
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
rise and shine we got egg
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”