Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Easy enough.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet