On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.