The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.