I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
#StillHurts
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.