*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
put ‘er there pardner!
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.