me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
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Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
umm…
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold