Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
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My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…