imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
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Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?