My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them