The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.