Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence