Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
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Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I have a place for everything. The floor.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.