[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
same vibe as tangled headphones
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference