Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My dog learned how to text
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now