*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies