SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.