I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
You Might Also Like
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Now this is how you LinkedIn
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
nobody’s gonna understand
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver