[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.