doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
This will never not be funny to me.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?