I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”