I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
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1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Not today, today.
Not today.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny