I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
You Might Also Like
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.