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“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.