Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
meow
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.