Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.