Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
💁🏻♂️
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.